Shield
by peppermintyrose
Summary: Sookie contemplates her safety. Reflective work. Pre-DITF
1. Shield

_Disclaimer: All of the following is thoughtfully rearranged from the original works of Charlaine Harris. So I cannot scream MINE._

* * *

Let's have a good look at the theory that if Sookie just stuck with Eric, and did what she was told, everything would be fine, and she'd never get hurt, shall we? :D

_Disgruntled Twilight fan who forgot which vampire books they were reading: This is blasphemy. This is madness. _

_PMR: Madness? This! Is! Sookie!_

So, speak not to me of how he protects her from everything. Provide me proofs without vague generalisations, or a rose tinted interpretation without canon support.

On the positive side, Charlaine Harris isn't going to be able to kill Eric off as some people fear, as he is the source of most of the "adventure" in Sookie's life. Without him, it's sitting at home with Bill playing Scrabble, or waiting at home for Quinn, or working for Sam. Both Alcide and Niall came to know Sookie using Eric as a "gateway", so he really is the source of all her adventure.

Thanks to **Thyra10**, PM buddy, who lets me rattle on about this stuff. Now I inflict it on you, gentle readers.

* * *

I had been trapped with my thoughts during the day, with no Amelia, and sparse company. Today I fell to pondering one of Eric's statements.

I remembered when he'd assured me that I would be fine, and that he would protect me. He'd said to me "And you are mine, and you will be mine. They will not get you." I don't know that that's true. I think that Eric meant that specific instance, because certainly, being around Eric hadn't been safe before.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

The first night I met Eric, there was a raid on his bar. Maybe a police record for both of us would have been the better option that night, but then the Queen already knew what I could do at that time. Since then, however, contact with Eric has meant a lot of pain.

Not all of my troubles are Eric's fault, and in truth, I don't blame him. The option to stay in my house and never come out again has always been available to me. I don't know of many people who could do that, or would be inclined to do that even if they could. I could have moved to Wyoming which had a vampire population of two - I did consider it some days. Regardless, Eric has been there a lot of times to pick up the pieces, but not many times to prevent things happening in the first place.

Now in all fairness, if I was able to say "No" more often, and didn't wish to be helpful with my telepathy, I'd probably be a lot better off. I could leave everyone to their own devices. The supernatural world is full of dangers, and since I'm not a shifter, were, vampire or a full fairy, I could duck out – if they'd let me. None of them have been overly eager that I should bow out of their world – every single time they pull me back in.

First there was the former Queen of Louisiana, who pulled me into the vampire world with an elaborate scheme to entrap me with a relationship with Bill. Then there was Eric who entrapped me to work for him in exchange for not making me a party to murder. After that there was Colonel Flood who declared me a Friend of the Pack, and since he'd died, that little "favour" couldn't be rescinded, if Alcide was inclined to do so. Then there was Niall, who'd pulled me into the world of fairies. Sophie Ann dying didn't free me and Felipe de Castro tried to commandeer me too.

When it came to the Shreveport were pack, I couldn't really tell you what it was that I got out of being friend of the pack. Apart from trouble and a couple of assassination attempts, I couldn't see any tangible benefits to that little arrangement. When called upon, I had to go to Packmaster events, which included Colonel Flood's funeral and contests for the next Packmaster. Between flying blood, fighting and public sexual acts, it wasn't the social highlight of my week, month or even year.

Sure, I had Tray who guarded me, but that was as a favour for trying to make peace between Patrick Furnan and Alcide thanks to the interference of another Were pack trying to take over their territory. Being a friend of the Pack didn't give me any of that. When it comes to the vampires, I can't work out what exactly I've gotten out of that, but then, like the Friend of the Pack status, it's not to benefit me. It too comes with social events filled with blood, trouble and assassination attempts.

I knew how it was that I was, as Eric said "living wrong" - it was by being helpful in a world of supes.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

I'd thought about the ways I could have changed _The Incident_, and now I had to be more cautious. Being with Eric meant lots of pain. It was pointless to say that I should just give over to him – he wasn't all knowing, all seeing, all powerful.

I suppose some might argue that I needed the bond, because as Eric says I'm "so much trouble". I need someone to rein me in, or whatever it is that they think Eric can do to make me not trouble. It doesn't really work that way. For a start, the bond didn't give me magical protective powers, and was useless in the daytime. A customer swatted me on the behind, and the bond failed to do a thing.

In fact, some of the stuff that had happened to me had happened while I was doing jobs for Eric, or just generally being around him. He was Sheriff in the thick of the violent world of vampires and supernatural creatures.

I should have known what I was getting myself in for the first night I worked for Eric. At his behest, I read his employees, to find out which one had stolen money from him, to the tune of sixty thousand dollars. That night I was bitten on the arm by the employee who turned out to be guilty. Now, it can't be denied that he staked Longshadow, and thus saved me from death, but it's not as if I came out of that encounter without being on the receiving end of a bit of violence. It was a narrow escape from his office afterwards, as Eric himself seemed intent on eating me – or something.

Of course, then there was the business with Rene Lenier. None of that had anything to do with Eric, and wasn't Eric's doing in any way, shape or form. But I managed to deal with that myself. I defeated Rene without any help, no intervention, defended my life, with a stab of a knife – no damsel in distress me.

The next time I was seriously hurt in the business of being involved with Eric came with the Maenad, Callisto. In an effort to send a message to Eric, she scratched my back with her thyrsis. I was a human bulletin board in his name. Another little mark on me, thanks to my involvement with Eric. Thank goodness I was as Pam told me "valuable" and Eric thought he "owed me the healing". I dread what would have happened to other humans if they were used in such a manner, and weren't valuable.

At that very meeting, Eric informed me that he had rented me out like a backhoe to Dallas. I don't recall being asked if I wanted to go – certainly Eric didn't seek my approval. He brought me to Fangtasia that night to inform me of the fact that he'd "loaned me out". While there, doing the job I was sent to do, I experienced one in a long list of beatings.

Now, granted, Eric was there at the hotel, to clean me up. I was grateful for his care, and thankful to be taken care of, and cheered up. But it was Eric who "loaned me out" in the first place, so it's not as if all of this was my doing. I hadn't been in negotiation with other Sheriffs over my telepathic skills – that was all Eric's doing. He certainly took his cut from my fee, so he could take his cut of the blame for that one.

The very next night, there was the massacre, thanks to events at the Fellowship. Now, granted, Eric took more care of me that night than Bill did, but still, I wouldn't have been in the middle of a shootout if I hadn't been sent there by Eric. Bill, I walked away from that night. Even if I could try to believe that Eric felt bad about what had transpired, I couldn't. Ever the opportunist, Eric took his kindness and turned it to advantage, getting his blood into me.

That was the moment that was a big tell. Up until that time, the majority of trouble I'd gotten myself into was due to involvement with Eric. It wasn't because I found myself yearning to be of use to the Dallas vampires, who were strangers to me. If Eric was really that concerned about keeping me out of trouble, he wouldn't have tied me to him. He would have freed me, rather than give me his blood and draw me further in. I'm sure he could argue that he needed to track me, but that's not exactly keeping me out of danger - that's anticipating more danger - the source of which so far, was him.

There he was, looking at the bruises I sustained in the job he'd loaned me out to do, and he decided that if this happened again, he needed to know about it. If he was really intent on doing me a favour, there would have been no more missions. That wasn't my last mission for him. The bruises couldn't have bothered him too badly.

The next piece of trouble I got myself into was an orgy. Now, that night, Eric came through. He did as I asked, and kept me from the clutches of those who I didn't relish having hands on me. That's not to say that Eric's own hands were innocent and without intent, mind you. But they were less familiar than they could have been, and didn't belong to people that I'd known all my life.

Now, that night, Eric saved me from going crazy as well. But it seemed that the trouble I'd gotten _myself_ into was a lot less trouble than the sort of trouble _Eric_ got me into – or at least, Eric could protect me better in that circumstance than the circumstance he'd put me into.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

Then of course, all the business with Bill and his database, which by and large was Bill's fault. It can't be denied that I wanted to go and find him and get him back. I was eager to go, to get revenge on Lorena for betraying Bill, and to save Bill from whatever fate that she had cooked up.

But Eric didn't hesitate to ask me to go and use my skills to save him from whatever punishment that the Queen had cooked up. Without his investigation, without his request, without his asking and telling me the details of that, I would have been snug in my house. I had guards before Eric came to see me, but I don't think it was because his only intent was to keep me safe. Otherwise he wouldn't have come over to convince me to go on his mission. No, he just wanted to secure the information source on Bill.

Granted, if Eric hadn't sent Bubba, werewolves would have abducted me, but Eric didn't seem overly concerned with sending me off to do another job. Particularly since he'd had a taste of how disastrously the last one had gone. Eric just didn't shy away from violence, risk or adventure. Nor did he expect me to. There was never much consideration that I might want to go into protective custody, or take my complaints with the Were pack to the police (who after all, couldn't glamour and thus couldn't make out like they were doing the right thing the way vampires could).

Was I to believe that Eric wasn't smart enough to reckon that I would get hurt? That he couldn't see the pattern that I'd gotten hurt in the past and would get hurt again? No. If he was that slow, he couldn't be trusted with anything - certainly not my safety. Even I knew it was a possibility I'd get hurt - as I did every time I worked for vampires, so if Eric was slower than me on the uptake, then he shouldn't be the one to make decisions on whether I was safe. It wasn't that, it could only be that Eric didn't object to me getting a few beatings if there was something to gain. Nothing too serious mind you, nothing too life threatening, but a little pain didn't worry Eric much.

Eric helped me into the fray that time, in order to serve my interests, the Queen's interests, his interests and Bill's interests. He didn't request that I sit that one out. In fact, until Pam spilled the beans, he wasn't intending to tell me about Bill and Lorena – as he'd told me that night – if I hadn't have known, then I would have "jumped at the chance" to go rescue Bill. Eric wanted me eager to help.

Of course, that trip was just as disastrous as everything else that ever happened before – possibly the pinnacle of doing a job for Eric. The second night I was there, I got staked. Now, granted, I got myself into that one. I was the one who walked up to the Fellowship guy, to see what he was doing, I was the one who grabbed and wrestled with him. Foolhardy, I know, but still, I did it.

Eric didn't come over immediately and put a stop to what was going on – he had vampire speed, and certainly could have managed it. But, it was a stake, and Eric could die of being staked. He liked risk, but not when the odds were hopelessly against him. I wasn't in as much danger of final death as Eric was, even if it was pretty grave.

I can't believe that Tara was quicker than Eric at getting to my side, and if she was, then perhaps she'd be better served to be my protector. It wasn't until I fingered him that Eric stepped forward to help me. Even when I was seriously injured, he was reticent to step up to the plate. He didn't throw himself into the mix and demand I be healed, but waited for the cues from Russell that I would be given healing.

To be sure, he saved my bacon that night because he did step up, but it can hardly be said that he was first on the scene, taking care of me. As soon as I was healed, thanks to Ray Don and his magic salivary powers, Eric gave me his blood. He wasn't intending that I take it easy, chill out and go home – he knew that I was intending to go and rescue Bill in the midst of violent, torturing Weres. He wasn't telling me that I should go home and forget all about the whole thing. Even though he thought the plan was crazy, he let me go anyway, as it was important.

Then of course, I was trapped in the trunk with Bill, and events unfolded. Eric was the one to open the trunk of course, and all three males tended to me. Eric didn't treat me with kid gloves, but was eager to hear all about the adventures that lead me to where I was.

After that, he drove me home, and on the way, we were waylaid by a couple of humans hired by the Weres, looking for Jerry Falcon. I got myself out of that situation too – thanks to the clerk and his bravery. Of course, Eric came looking for me, but he didn't think there was anything to do with me going on. He provided great back up, but he didn't do anything. He would have been willing to take the shotgun from me, but I went in first.

When we finally got home, there were men waiting. Thanks to the death of Jerry Falcon, they decided to give me a thorough beating. Thank goodness Eric and Bill made it into the living room and killed all of my attackers. Now, of course, he'd yelled before I got into the house, and I was too angry to listen. But they shot him twice – so even if I'd listened to his yell, there wasn't anything I could do. Having a giant, old vampire didn't help. If I'd been without pride, unused to being beaten, perhaps that would have worked for the Weres. I held out until Eric and Bill reached me and I defended myself as best able.

Looking back at working and going on missions for Eric, I must say I haven't ever taken so many spectacular beatings since then. Maybe I've gotten better at avoiding them, but it sure does seem coincidental that every single job I've done for him or because of him has resulted in serious injury. Never one to shy away, he didn't hesitate to put me into the fray over and over.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

At most, an hour after I made my New Year's resolution to not be beaten in the coming year, who did I see running down the road to my house, but the ultimate source of a lot of pain. It would be nice to say that I should have kept driving, but as I understand the curse now, he would have been at my house within the hour anyway.

I picked up Eric and cared for him, and keeping him close wasn't without risk. Pam and Chow could have killed my brother and I for my kindness, and the witches could have bumped me off as collateral damage trying to get to Eric. I managed to avoid Ginger's fate, and survived, despite my worst fears.

Of course, it was sheer chance that I did. When I told Eric that there were witches over at Bill's house, did he choose to hide? Oh no. He chose to bound over there, with me on his back. If the Shreveport Were Pack hadn't been there, Hallow and her brother may very well have discovered us – but that was okay with Eric, as he could fly right out of danger. I'd seen what they did to Holly – they wouldn't have gone easy on me if he'd left me behind that tree to take the heat. Sam chose to stay and protect me, but Eric opted for more reconnaissance. True to form, he didn't guard me as precious even when I was designated his protector, and after I'd expressed a fear a few days earlier that being his protector could get me killed.

Of course, my involvement with the witch war wouldn't have happened without Eric staying at my house, although technically it was Pam who told me to be there. Pam didn't really give me an option of course. Eric worried that I'd be thrown into the fray, and he protected me while I was there, although Debbie Pelt got a few good jabs in. Again, Eric showed true to form that a little bit of injury around him was par for the course, but he prevented my final death, in both attacks by Debbie.

On Dracula Night, the impostor that was Milos Griesniki masquerading as Dracula identified me as a future Happy Meal. Eric, kneeling at his feet, didn't leap up and ask that I be spared. He continued on his knees, while Pam gave me a stake and Calvin and Colonel Flood stood in front of me. When I revealed his lack of knowledge about Dracula himself and staked him, Eric pushed the stake in the rest of the way, but he didn't prevent my being in that situation in the first place. Sam had warned me that humans could get hurt on Dracula Night before I went, but Eric invited me anyway. Surely, if he'd wanted me to be safe above all else, I'd have stayed home that night.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

Then of course, he was off home, and this time it was me coming to him for help. Deadly help as it turned out. Sam had been shot because of my involvement with Eric, and then my house was burned down by my secret assassin, Charles Twining. I didn't know it at the time of course, but both of those acts were connected to being involved with Eric. After all, it was one big plot to get to Eric for the death of Longshadow. Boy, I paid over and over for being conscripted into helping him that night.

Soon after that, I was shot by Sweetie des Artes, and got a crease in my shoulder. Eric didn't seem to mind that much, telling me that I mustn't be too badly off if I was talking on the phone. Later that night, knowing I'd been shot, Eric watched as Mickey attacked me. Now, granted, he was injured at the time, but I'd brought him in just to prevent this sort of scenario. Neither Tara nor I were finally dead, but Eric surely didn't show too much concern. In fact, Tara got a small lecture, and he watched me sweep up glass.

After that, I went relatively unscathed until the Shreveport Packmaster contest. That day I got a scratch when Quinn pulled me out of the cage. Not too bad, really. But not content with that, Charles Twining finally decided to make his move. Bubba of course, sent by Eric warned me in just enough time. But for the silver necklace in my pocket and the stalwart men of Bon Temps, Eric could have gotten there half an hour later to the police carting my body away.

Now, Eric tried to get me on the phone that night, and he'd sent Bubba, but it seemed that my involvement with him painted a giant target on my back. Eric told me that after listening to much gossip and reconnoitring, Charles had targeted me to get to Eric. To hurt him like the death of Longshadow had hurt Hot Rain. Not an entirely comforting reason, really. The supernatural community knew that killing me would hurt Eric in some fashion, and with the right touch of duty and suicidal tendencies, an assassin could achieve such an end. Since it has happened to me, it's hard to just dismiss that as if it's not a future possibility.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

Soon, I was in a relationship with Quinn, and considerably distanced from my relationship with Eric. Out of the watchful eyes of vampires, I was still the subject of plots, and one came for me one night when I was out on a date with Quinn. Three bitten Weres high on drugs attacked us on the public street. Quinn did his best to protect me, but as luck would have it – at least my luck – they went for me from behind him. I wasn't drastically harmed, and Quinn cuddled me afterwards, calming my nerves. The bonus was that they didn't even attack me for something Quinn had done, but rather something I'd done while Eric was with me.

Then the fateful trip to New Orleans, and coming across the body of Jake Purifoy – the newly turned were vampire. While Eric came to see me in the hospital after that, he certainly didn't pull any punches out of deference due to my attack. Eric forced Bill to confess the Queen's scheme, and then left. I was thankful, but this wasn't a man with a caring bedside manner. Whatever his reason for dropping the bomb at that time, I'm sure they were good, and timely. Right then wasn't a time I would have chosen for a revelation though.

Never one to leave me to heal, fate opted to culminate the scheme of the Pelt family. Thankfully, Quinn was there and had the foresight to ask if there was a vampire who could track me. He called the palace and reported our disappearance. Again, Quinn had become collateral damage in a scheme against me. Thank goodness the man isn't a coward, or I would have been far worse off.

After being beaten and tracked through the swamps with Quinn, we came across our attackers. The Pelts, intent on torturing me, had hired a team of weres to abduct me. When he came into the room, finding me struggling with Sandra Pelt, Eric took the chance to sit back and observe my wiggling. He didn't rush in and help immediately, but left me to deal with it until I asked him to step in. Like I said, Eric wasn't too worried about the amount of minor damage I amassed, just nothing too fatal.

Then to the battle in the Queen's party barn, another vampire event that ended in carnage. I should really stop going to those things, but sometimes vampires just don't give you a choice. We really should have left before the head went flying past us. That night, Quinn and I got separated by the crowd, and I had to make my own way out.

On the way, Eric leaped on top of me and gave me a giant smooch. I'm sure the lust for battle had something to do with it, because despite saying that he was protecting me, lying full length on the floor – kissing – during a battle didn't seem to be the safest place or strategy. Any passing vampire or were could have had a two-for-one and killed the both of us. Eric loves a good fight and the thrill of danger. When I suggested that the Queen would appreciate his help, he leapt into the fray, leaving me to make my own way out.

Last I saw Eric, he was attacking the Threadgill followers around the Queen with abandon, and I was left to make my own way out, while Eric enjoyed himself. I got past Jadeflower thanks to Bill, past Threadgill's followers thanks to my boob and a kick in the crotch, Threadgill himself thanks to Andre and finally a lion. Quinn caught up with me then, and took me safely to the fence to make our way out. Andre was the person who surprisingly escorted us home that night.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

Not content with the carnage I'd seen at vampire events, I went to my biggest vampire event, and then to the biggest carnage I could consider. If working for a vampire Sheriff got me into a lot of dangerous situations, that was nothing compared to what it was working with vampire royalty.

Firstly, Andre decided that there was a good reason to enslave me in a hotel hallway. I'd proved myself too valuable and too independent, a dangerous combination he wasn't going to let go. Eric stepped in and became my slave master, complete with promises that I heeled well. Thank goodness I didn't have to prove exactly that, as Andre was soon of little consequence.

While Eric saved me from Andre that day, he didn't do what I would have hoped for, and pull a Jason Bourne, and save me completely. He took a calculated risk, as he always did – one that took all my privacy but saved me from having my teeth smashed in. That bond called him to me when I was holding a bomb in my hands, and he tried to get me to give it to him. A man who hates technology tried to take control of the situation. Turned out I was right not to move it after all, since I failed to blow up.

Then of course, the next night, I got involved in Sophie Ann's trial. Eric didn't step in and make me heel, as he could have. No, he leant me courage to continue, relatively unafraid. Pam snickered. Neither of them was too concerned for my safety, and like Dracula Night, I doubt there's much they could have done if the whole room set upon me. Neither of them was afraid of a little risk and danger, and seemed to love the action moments.

I survived that event just fine, only to be in the path of an arrow that was meant for Henrik Feith, or maybe me. Again, Quinn became the collateral damage there, leaping in front of the arrow for me. Eric himself had dropped to the ground and admitted to me that if there had been time, he would have shoved me out of the way rather than emulate Quinn. Just the right amount of risk to survive a thousand years, I dare say. Unafraid of the possibility that someone had endeavoured to have one of our party killed, possibly me, Eric sent me off to investigate the killing, in the day time with the protection of Barry Bellhop - dubious protection at best - to find out where the man had trained. I went, and it was my own decision, but if that was an argument for safe behaviour thanks to Eric, it was a bad one.

In a final spectacular ending to the biggest vampire gathering I've been to to date, the Fellowship exploded the hotel the next day. I rushed up to help Eric, and while I helped him out of the hotel, he also helped me down to the ground. Even though Eric recognised the risk that I'd taken that day, he didn't tell me I shouldn't have done it. He was far more fascinated to find out why I'd done it. Since I'd done it and saved him and Pam, I didn't seem to warrant the same lecture Tara did about putting myself in danger.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

True to form, Eric showed that he wasn't adverse to a little risk, one more time. Soon afterwards, he took me to see Niall. I gathered he'd been in negotiation with him for a little while. It was only afterwards that Eric told me that the connection held danger. He'd assessed the risk, and weighed it against benefit – I trusted Eric's judgement on the matter. Looking back on the situation, but for the fact that I came to know more family, not meeting Niall at all would have been far safer overall. If my safety was that important, he wouldn't have arranged a meeting. Eric would have left me in the dark, rather than expose me to another supernatural group that disliked me.

On the same night, Eric saved me from being shot by Lucky Owens, Were assassin. Again, he saved me from final death, but he certainly didn't treat me with kid gloves and insist that I have a guard for the plot that was obviously going on against me from parts unknown. Another assassin tried for me in the local library soon after, until I determined that I should get Patrick Furnan and Alcide Herveaux to talk it out, before I too became a victim.

Alcide had told me that it was because I was a friend of the Pack that I had the assassin after me. I really don't know what sort of favour Colonel Flood thought he was doing for me when he gave me this "gift". So far it's only meant going to disturbing Packmaster contests and assassination attempts. I suspect he wasn't doing me a favour at all, but the Pack got favours from me. Calvin at least wanted to give me acceptance into the Hotshot community through marriage, but all the Shreveport Weres offered was favours from me and the occasional remark like "vamp humper". Some favour.

When the two Weres finally got together and talked it out, it was Sam who protected me from the violence, and Claudine. When I got home, Pam didn't treat me with kid gloves – other than picking up the pieces and finding material to tease Eric with. He might not have been happy, but I wasn't going to sit around and wait for one of the assassins to get the better of me, and went on the offensive before I became the next female connected with the pack that died. I wasn't going to be waiting around for Eric, who it turned out had bigger problems keeping himself alive to worry too much about my issues with the Weres, as I found out the next night.

Eric arrived the next night, bringing a cavalcade of vampires in his wake. He didn't tell me that I should leave the state, go into hiding, or even that I would survive the night. Now granted, I appreciate the fact that he thought my house was a good strategic place to hold them off, but vampires, battle and bloodlust didn't go well for me in the past. The only comfort that Eric offered me that night was that they'd spare me. As sure as ever, he didn't offer me complete safety, but rather the promise that I'd survive. Nothing more concrete than continued living, which I was doing just fine before he turned up.

Pam, of course, wasn't sitting back being protected and coddled either. No wonder they got on so well together. Pam was no wall flower, concerned only with caring for herself – some risk, danger and battle, and she was in it. She was out there, taking out Felipe's men. While Eric and I were bargaining for our lives, or rather Eric was bargaining for all of our lives in my living room, Pam's actions pleased both of us.

As it turned out, Eric's risk paid off, and he was installed in the new regime. I dealt with Tanya, a minion of Sandra Pelt's, with no deaths, no help but what I chose with clear guidelines and Calvin got himself a new girlfriend.

When Eric came to see me over breaking Calvin's hand, the meeting just didn't feel right without a little risk. As ever, where Eric was, violence was in his wake. Sigebert attacked Felipe, Sam and Eric outside the bar. Despite the fact that it was dangerous, I couldn't help but go back to the situation and get those I cared about out of the situation. Eric scooped me up when my legs failed me, but I'd sat on the gravel for a whole five minutes before that happened, dealing with the situation.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

When next we resumed our relationship, it was under the threat of abduction to Las Vegas. There were the nebulous threats of Crystal being killed outside the bar I worked at, and the attempted killing by Arlene and her Fellowship buddies. On top of that, the threat of the FBI, investigating my role in the Rhodes rescues. Eric was content to know that there was risk, to try and quantify what that risk was, but he didn't step in and shut me away. Only when I asked for protection from the escalating situation with the fairies did it come.

Finally, the situation I'd gotten into with the fairies came to a head, all at once, in the span of a week. Eric wasn't at all to blame for that situation. He'd told me when he first took me to meet Niall that he didn't know anything of fairy politics. He took a calculated risk introducing me to Niall, as he told me Niall had powerful enemies. Eric hadn't sheltered me, kept me safe from everything at the price of shutting me off from the world. The gamble didn't pay off in my favour though.

Eric didn't get there in time to prevent anything happening, and even the bodyguards he'd sent helped not a whit – apart from being a layer that the fairies had to do away with. Do away they did. The favour Alcide granted me after the help I gave in the Were War paid off in the death of Tray Dawson. The protection that the King gave me paid off in the protection provided by Bubba, Eric, Bill and poor Clancy.

Even that night, I asked Eric to take me to my purse and I got weapons to defend myself. He didn't ask that I sit back and let him deal with it – he was more than willing to have me fight and be strong. He told me so himself. Even though I was gravely injured, Eric spoke about how I could survive. Considering his own longevity and experiences, I could see that he would see survival as the important thing, rather than no risk, no living. Eric, above all else, was a survivor. He rolled with the punches, and he didn't limit himself - or me - because it might be dangerous.

Eric usually got there in time to pick up the pieces, but he didn't prevent any of it from happening. It would be nice to think that being around Eric meant complete safety, but I don't see how in the light of all these events I can make that assumption. In fact, a lot of stuff initiated _with Eric. _Being with him meant anticipated getting hurt physically. Sam certainly hadn't been at the root of most of my injuries. It all came in Eric's periphery.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

In fact, it was Eric's life that was often at risk, and it was my presence that often saved his life or saved him from serious injury. In the "What if...?" game, Eric was just as dead as I was. He benefited from my presence, just as I benefited from his. I didn't save him from all injury, but I did save him from final death, quite a few times.

But for my intervention, the Queen would have tortured him over the loss of Bill and the database. I'd seen Waldo after what the Queen had done to him – he was immersed in a tank of brine for a few years. Whatever might have happened to Eric, I'd saved him from that fate. Eric certainly didn't seem eager to admit to the Queen that he'd lost the project and take his punishment. If he really wanted to save me from whatever would happen, he would have taken the punishment, rather than get me to get Bill back.

Then of course, there was the incident with Hallow who wanted to drain him. But for my willingness to take him in and care for him, she may have taken him. If I'd been a little less of a pushover, Eric would have been left to his fate, I'd have been in no danger and he'd be profit in a witch's pocket. Clancy had been found at the point of death by Eric himself, so if Eric was able to be drained by Hallow, as she had intended, I doubt that he would have survived. The danger there was all his - anything that happened to me was because Eric was in danger. No witch had decided to have a vendetta against me personally. Only the fact that I got involved in Eric's dangerous life meant that I was at risk again.

After that, his final death was on the table with the Rhodes bombing. The Fellowship weren't intending to let them leave alive. But for my actions that day, Eric could have burned up in the sun, and certainly none of the vampires in the hotel would have made it out without my help. If I hadn't been there, I don't know that Barry would have done as much. If he could have done as much as he did, and he'd had advance warning that some attack was mounting. Barry didn't act though – he waited on that information. Without my presence, countless more could have died. Again, that wasn't a danger that I would have been exposed to, but for my involvement with vampires. They got more protection out of that than I did.

The night of the takeover, I don't think it was an accidental strategic mistake that Eric made, coming to my house, nor Bill, while pursued by vampires. You needed an invitation into my house by the owner, as Eric confirmed. I'd prevented his death by being a living person with a witch in my house. Victor couldn't cross the boards without permission. Again, like with Hallow, my house protected his life, until he could negotiate a happier ending. Victor said that he was surprised to track Eric there - so it wasn't because they were coming to my house and happened across Eric. They were coming for him, and my house is where he was at.

When Sigebert attacked, Eric might have been chagrined that a small human female came back to save him, and concerned for my safety. Judging by his despair that night, and the torture Sigebert was dishing out, Eric was certainly in for his final death. If I hadn't come back, Sigebert would have certainly killed him. The Queen's bodyguard didn't follow _me_ here - he'd followed Felipe and found Eric. So he decided to punish him for being a traitor, and deal out his final death. Without my intervention, without my willingness and bravery, he would have been a small pile of ashes under a silver net.

Eric certainly didn't lack for plots to take his life, whether in a generalised or specific sense. Vampires didn't hold back and made enemies easily. Being a vampire didn't seem to get you anything but lots more violence. I'd been to were parties in Hotshot, and no one had died. The same could not be said for the ordinary vampire party or gathering in my experience. Get more than one vampire in a public location and I might as well start putting down splatter sheets for the inevitable bloodbath. As for trouble – well, Eric didn't seem to avoid it himself, so staying around him wasn't likely to keep me out of trouble. Being around Eric didn't make me safe because Eric didn't live for safe.

The only vampire I'd ever seen who lived for safe was Henrik Feith...and he turned out, ultimately, not to _be_ safe. He was relatively young when he finally died, as was his murderer, Kyle Perkins. It would have been easy to think that signing up for being a vampire was safe, but that was the cause of a lot of danger in Eric's life, and in Bill's life. It meant makers coming for you, twisted plots born in vampire politics, and "torture by royalty" just didn't seem to be a reason to sign up to be a vampire. It seemed to mean battles at every major event and lots of blood. I'd seen too many vampires a small pile of ashes by one of their own kind's hand to believe that being a vampire meant truly that you were untouchable. Maybe if you got a couple of hundred years, you'd get another few, but you had to get a couple of hundred first.

Even if I believed that being with Eric could protect me from all that - despite the fact that he couldn't stop _himself_ from being involved in it - the only vampire I knew with the power to keep her children with her forever was the now dead Sophie Ann LeClerq. Eric didn't have that ability, and the fact that it was special meant that all vampires left the nest. A decade or so and I'd be cast into the world of vampires to fare on my own. Maybe we could make it to eighty years like Lorena and Bill, until we hated one another. Pam stayed with Eric for a short time and left, and they had an easier relationship than Bill and Lorena.

If Eric was so concerned about keeping women he liked or admired safe, that seemed to be directly contrary to what he did with Pam. If he'd wanted to keep her safe, he would have left her human. Instead, he brought her unwillingly into a world full of vampires like Appius, and other vampires who terrified and punished, fought and injured. When Bill thought he was in a dangerous situation, he would tell me to "go to" Sam or Eric, like with the vampire database. Eric would throw me into the fray, because it was necessary and smart, not because it was safer. The same reasons why he didn't stop me from going to the Witch war - it was necessary and smart. If he'd wanted me at home above all else, he could have pulled that off just by leaving without me.

Based on this application alone of what I'd been through, Eric was possibly _the worst_ candidate guaranteed to keep me out of trouble. Sure, if it got serious he'd pull me out if he could, or arrange for some type of healing, but overall, being around Eric was not safe. It wasn't that I went to him and asked for this work – he came to me – so if violence ensued, it's not a surprise that Eric might think to protect me a little from the results. The bond didn't prevent these things from happening – although maybe it forced Eric to be a little more careful if the bond affected him as badly as it affected me when he was being hurt.

If I wanted someone to keep me out of trouble, to protect me, keep me safe and stay away from danger, the most likely candidate for that job would be Sam. I'd worked for him for five years before meeting the vampires, and seldom suffered more than a hot water burn. Sam hadn't needed a bond to keep me out of trouble – he just kept out of trouble himself. Eric might be my protector sometimes, but he also served the function of being the person most likely to endanger me. The bond kept me closer to him, and made me feel safe with him, when the true fact of the matter was that it was not safe by a long shot.

Eric's life and his death was filled with adventure and fighting. He was persistent, relentless and usually in the thick of the trouble. If I was living wrong, Eric was too. If I was so much trouble, Eric was immeasurably more. He didn't shy away and prevent anything happening to me, or to himself, except final death wherever possible. He didn't fortify and run unless it was for tactical advantage. That just meant that he was more likely to win his fights - not that he would never fight, or expect others to fight. He didn't apologise for the way he was, or the trouble he got me into - he expected me to be able to deal with it. Eric valued bravery, he wasn't going to shield me from anything.

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This fic was started before the extended chapter of DITF chapter 1 was shared, but a couple of people have asked me for my opinion on that stuff. To avoid spoiling for those who don't wish to be spoiled, please flip to the next chapter on this originally-supposed-to-be-a-oneshot.

**If you don't wish to have DITF spoiled for you – DO NOT FLIP TO THE SECOND CHAPTER. **


	2. Survival

_Disclaimer: All of the following is thoughtfully rearranged from the original works of Charlaine Harris. So I cannot scream MINE._

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**SPOILERS FOR THE EXTENDED FIRST CHAPTER OF DITF RELEASED BY A GENEROUS FELLOW FAN BELOW. **I'm not sure who released the original scans, but thank you. :-*

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As you can see from the ending of the last chapter, becoming vampire will only _**up **_the danger quotient, unless you totally disregard CH's world, in which case, you are sooo reading the wrong fanfiction. A lot of violence to Sookie comes from the supernatural world or involvement with supernatural creatures – not from being around humans. Notice how few times Sam has been injured (except when trying to save Sookie or in order for a supe like Charles Twining to get to Sookie), because he's not a part of that world?

Being King and Queen doesn't help either – it didn't help save Sophie Ann from Felipe, or Felipe from Sigebert. Being in a position of power paints a giant target on your back for your underlings. Eric made it over a thousand and is still alive as Sheriff, while Sophie Ann made it over a thousand and is dead as Queen. More underlings = more targeting. Power = someone wanting that power.

I'm not quite sure why anyone believes that Eric would like to be shut in his house, doing nothing dangerous either – that is so not his style.** _He loves the action moments._ **You should go for Bill if you like a vampire who stays home a lot – he's the better bet in that department, and he endeavours to kill any possible threat to Sookie – even ones from years ago like Uncle Bartlett and people like Quinn and Sam. It's always a pity to see fangirls ragging on Sookie for doing the dangerous thing and getting hurt, while totally failing to leap into Eric's arms with abandon like a daredevil. One of the most dangerous things for Sookie has **_always_** been Eric…

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I didn't have it in me to comfort him for his pain. Whatever I'd had before, the feelings that I had before, I was currently out, riding the precipice of not breaking completely. At this point, I didn't have it in me to be concerned for anyone else - it was _that_ touch and go. I had enough pain of my own to deal with, without being concerned about someone else. It's nice to think that there isn't a time when you will have to choose yourself and your own wellbeing, but being tortured for a couple of hours will bring out the survival instincts, and they are about your own self rather than others.

I'd just recently rediscovered that despite the fact that everything was hard and painful, I preferred that over death. It took everything I had to keep going, to not break. I didn't have anything to spare for others, not right now. It wasn't a small thing that happened to me. It's only inconsequential to those who haven't been cut, gouged and bitten. They have the luxury to shrug it off. I don't. They can act like it's no big deal from a long distance, but they hadn't been in a room watching as two _Things_ killed them.

While Eric felt my call for him through the bond, and from his love for me, his pain wasn't literal. If it had been the literal experience of the pain I received, then Victor wouldn't have needed a couple of vampires and a silver net to hold him down. Eric would have been incapacitated the way that I was. No silver net would have been necessary - the pain, the cuts, the bleeding would have kept him down. My wrists still weren't back to normal, so Eric's pain was of a different kind than mine.

He'd been burned from the silver that held him down, not gouged and bitten, stabbed and torn. It wasn't in a little room, where he lost hope that it would stop, alone and abandoned, and it didn't hold the very stink of his own inevitable death. He feared for me and felt for me, but that didn't mean that it was equal to the way that I felt. His desperation was surely great, but it was a separate place from the pain that I experienced. It didn't happen to him the same way that it happened to me.

Had Eric's worst fears come true, I would have been dead, and he would have been okay. Not well, not happy, but okay. It wouldn't have ended for him and he would have survived. For me, that would have ended in pain, terror and abandonment. The fact that he came out sure of who he was and what he felt, that he didn't feel empty or angry all the time, meant that it didn't have the same affect on him that it had on me. He was one step removed from my torture, and in that step, there was a world of difference.

I remember that Sam didn't want to look at my injuries until he thought I wasn't watching. Amelia too, couldn't bear to look at the healing bite mark on my stomach. I had to sit there while it was done. I had to watch, know and remember - other people could look away, forget, but I didn't have that ability. When they went home, it was off their minds. It didn't wake them up in the middle of the night.

Now was the time to think a little more about myself, and my needs, not anyone else's. I'd lost a fundamental thing in that room - the sense that I mattered. To _The Things_, I didn't matter. I wasn't a person, I was a demonstration. Those desperate minutes when I lost hope that anyone would come for me - when I finally thought that I didn't matter to those I thought cared about me. I was alone, and a tool for others. I found that I wasn't alone - they came for me - but as it turned out, I was a tool for others. It was done to get at Niall, and it wasn't stopped to get at Eric. This is what someone loving me brought me.

Victor didn't stop Eric from coming because vampires couldn't be involved in the Fae War – or at least not entirely. Victor knew it was coming, and he waited until Eric was aware that something was going wrong, and then he captured him in silver. Victor even brought along some compatriots to hold Eric down. If it was a tactical decision alone, it wouldn't have required Victor to wait. He would have warned someone that I was in danger. A simple phone call to tell me that things were escalating, and that I was on my own. I can't think that he did that because he hoped to get a viable telepath or an asset out of the deal. All the vampires knew the reputation of Neave and Lochlan - they knew that I wouldn't be leaving that shack alive. That was the whole point to holding Eric down.

No, if the purpose was to get an asset, Victor would have at least given some warning. Or he would have allowed Eric to warn me, even if he had to hold him down while he did it. Victor kept quiet because the purpose wasn't just about not being involved in the Fae War. It was so that he could use me to make a point about what happened when you bucked the system. The point wasn't intended for me - it was intended for Eric. After all, in order to learn a lesson, I had to have left the shack alive, and all the vampires thought that that wouldn't happen.

In a weird way, maybe this would eventually be a relief, as well as a disillusionment. It wasn't just my own lack of knowledge that lead to my capture. Victor had a determined plot with which he was going through. He was waiting for the first opportunity to punish me to prove a point to Eric. That was just the first opportunity to hurt Eric. I could stop second guessing, because after all, there was a plot that not even Eric was aware of. If I'd listened to Eric, Victor could have arranged to have me picked up at his home, and there would be no Bill, able to ignore the calls. Victor had arraigned his forces to ensure that I would be killed - anything I had done in listening to Eric wouldn't have stopped what happened to me.

Oh how they used me in their little schemes against each other. My pain, my suffering, my torture, _my death_ was inconsequential. I was pushed further than I could go to hurt Eric. I was nothing in this equation – a tool for one vampire to use against another. My talent didn't matter to Victor, or the fact that I clearly hadn't known about the pledging. My opinion didn't matter in the least to Victor. It only mattered what Victor considered pledged, what Victor considered important. I might try to forget about it because I didn't have a say, but Victor got to lie about it because it didn't suit his purposes. Victor's lies mattered more to Felipe than my truth. What mattered to Victor is that Eric defied him. My torture was the tool with which he was punished.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

There was never just one vampire. They came as a group – a flock? No – that sounded too Christian – a _murder _of vampires. You couldn't accept one vampire and expect him to be a lone wolf. Bill gave off that vibe, and then I discovered the intervention of Lorena, dictating his actions and how things would go in our relationship. Then the links to the Queen and more orders and more obligations – the first work I did for Eric was because vampires are all interconnected and Bill had orders to bring me in. I had heard this story before. It could never be one vampire I loved, and that be the extent of the contact. I couldn't mingle only with those I wished to mingle with, but forever be subject to the whims and schemes of other vampires.

If I could limit myself to the vampires I loved and liked, close to me, then that would be fine. To deal with a close circle of my choice was just not possible. But vampires who didn't care a bit for me stuck their noses into my business merely to prove a point. No matter what, I couldn't ignore that involvement with one vampire meant some sort of meddling from other vampires. Even if Eric contravened the principle of "Vampires First" then surely another vampire would take that personally and issue hurt on him, using me as a tool.

It wouldn't have been less if I was a vampire either. They weren't immune from the violence of their world. Just because they healed didn't mean that they didn't get hurt. It meant that it could go on far longer. Bill had been tortured for nigh on a week. I just wouldn't have lasted that long. I would have had to endure far longer than I did, and what little I had left now would be gone completely. It would nice to believe that a vampire wouldn't do that to one of their own kind - but that's exactly what happened to Bill - his maker did that to him, because he defied her.

Vampires showed loyalty to themselves first and foremost. They didn't look out for each other as friends. They weren't friends. No one could sustain friendship in that environment. The only thing resembling friendship I'd seen was when one vampire was inevitably more powerful than the other, and didn't have to guard their own back, like Eric and Pam. The other vampires that night didn't let Pam call Felipe because they were friends - only because they were concerned about their own wellbeing. Only when they were sure that Victor wasn't looking did they help Pam to call in Felipe. They didn't risk their lives to honour their King – they padded themselves for the inevitable power struggle. Like Eric had said, they were jealous of their own lives, and the will to survive only increased over time.

Of course, I had hoped that I meant something to the king, because I was a useful asset and I'd saved him from the wrath of Sigebert. That he would feel that he owed me, and that I should experience some justice at his hand. Hope really did spring eternal, because that had never happened before. Sophie Ann didn't punish dear Andre - just made him give a really bad apology. The king didn't do anything about Victor's scheme, which didn't surprise me at all. I didn't matter as much as Felipe, and certainly not as much as Victor. Felipe didn't punish Victor for fear of what would happen to his own skin, and my skin had been ripped from me.

Eric meant Victor and Hot Rain and all the other vamps who wanted to hurt him. Eric didn't mean just Eric. He didn't come alone into our relationship, but brought the complex world of intertwining plots of the vampire life. With that, I became a tool and a target to use against him - not a human, not a person in my own right - but a nice piece of leverage. I'd seen how they used Quinn's family to hurt him and this could be my future. They threatened to do awful things to Frannie if Quinn didn't fall into line. If I wasn't being manipulated for my own use, I could be hurt to bring Eric into line.

I couldn't leap into that with trust that Eric knew what he was doing. I couldn't trust that if I just stuck to doing what Eric had told me, I would have been fine. I did what Eric told me to do, and it still didn't protect me from the malice of other vampires. I went along with the pledging, and all that happened was that another vampire decided that I should suffer so that Eric and I would learn our place. It didn't save me at all. Britlingens had never uttered a truer word when they said that vampires were twisty and deceptive. Perhaps the ones close to me wouldn't be in deference to my feelings, but they weren't the only vampires I had to deal with.

The jury was still out on whether I could have been saved from the fairies, but that was Niall's area, not Eric's. He'd told me when he took me to see Niall that he didn't know anything about fairy politics. Eric didn't know everything at all times – he was a fallible man. He'd been outwitted by Sophie Ann and by Victor - he'd been outfoxed by Bill in the plan to acquire me for Sophie Ann as Pam told it. If he'd known all that time, I doubt he would have chosen the moment at the hospital to tell me. Eric surely would have used it to his advantage long before then. Eric wasn't top of the heap in the vampire world, where nothing bad ever happened to him, and he was always right.

Eric wasn't always with perfect knowledge of the best move. It just wasn't fair to overlook all of him, the good and the bad. I had to see him how he really was. He wasn't the oldest, smartest, toughest in his world. Vampires had plenty of time on their hands to plot their little schemes, and he was just one man. He just wasn't equal to dealing with every single vampire in the world with clarity, foresight and rightness.

The fact that Victor knew what was happening meant that in all likelihood another vampire had ratted out my connection to the fairies. It could have been someone close to me personally, who made a mistake – Eric or Bill. They weren't infallible or perfect, and Eric had told me that he didn't wish to let Felipe know. That didn't mean that Eric was successful. And surely, the secret wasn't kept by vampires at all. Victor found out, or he wouldn't have been waiting like he was.

It could have been one of the vampires in Fangtasia, overhearing our conversation in the nights preceding the Fae War, when we discussed Niall. Eric seemed sure of his staff's loyalty though, and didn't hush me. He felt confident enough to bring up the Fae first in his own bar. But the conversation before that was a little shaky for him, so maybe he was grasping at straws and not thinking clearly. He could make a miscalculation - he'd been wrong before - he'd made a tactical mistake gathering his people together at Fangtasia. It's possible that he wasn't right about who was loyal to him. It's possible he'd never know until it was too late.

It could even have been Rasul – who would have overheard Eric and I discussing my fairy blood when he and Eric rescued me from the Pelts. Victor didn't seem to know about the connections the night of the takeover, so he had to have found out later. After Eric telling him that I had forces backing me that he couldn't even imagine, I'm sure that Victor would have kept digging until he hit paydirt.

It had to be someone who survived that takeover, a vampire who let him know - and I was friendly with most of those who knew. It was a mistake to interpret friendly behaviour as well meaning behaviour of a friend. Even Pam - her loyalty was ultimately to Eric, rather than being my friend first. Or even to other vampires - as she told me that even if she knew about Bill's mission she wouldn't have told me. The friendship offered by vampires was limited, to a human and to each other. Vampires weren't friends with each other - they stabbed each other in the back far too much. Much less the idea that being friendly with a human who was beneath their notice meant that they would treat me with the rules of friendship. They wouldn't protect me without there being something in it for them. Charity for the sake of charity was foreign to them.

Some vampire I had been concerned about the night of the takeover had either dropped the ball, or had deliberately sold me out. Most of them didn't give a fig for my pain and when they did, it was just so that it would hurt another vampire who did care about my pain. Or one of them could have used that knowledge to save their own skins, or fail to take into account that I would pay for their carelessness. Whoever it was, I paid the price - no matter how much others thought that my pain was really theirs, it was really all mine.

.*° o O 0 * 0 O o °*.

Sam asked me once if the price was too high for what I got out of my involvement with the supernatural world. At the time, it wasn't - the acceptance that I got and the new life breathed into my empty lonely life where I expected to grow old and die alone. Now I might still die alone, but in terrible pain, as a pawn against someone who loved me. If I threw caution to the wind and threw my lot in with Eric, then I could be in for such a fate.

It would be nice to think that no matter what, I had to give in to the love I felt for him, and the love he felt for me. But the serious amount of damage I sustained from having Eric in my life was enough to make me pause. If I wasn't supposed to be getting hurt, if I wasn't willing to be seriously injured, I needed to get out. Nothing so far had indicated that Eric would protect me and keep me completely safe. My safety had been a concern for Eric, but it wasn't his highest need and requirement. He factored in a little risk, and it was my job to judge how that risk affected me. It was my body, my life, my pain, my death that would be on the line.

It's doubtful that Eric would let me go, though. All of his other actions had been to bind me tighter to him, usually without asking. If he asked, and told me what I was getting myself into, I would have said no. It just wasn't in his interests to tell me everything. It wasn't in his interests to ask if I wanted to be tied to him - because looking at this situation I find myself in, if I was asked as a hypothetical, I would have been insane to say yes. Sure, I could argue that he was saving me from being annexed by other vampires, but that's not the sort of relationship I want. I don't want to be with him because "at least he's not Andre/Felipe/Victor", that I would "settle" with him. Eric was my anchor because he was a constant, not because I'd picked him as the best of a bad bunch.

But if he was willing to let me go, he would have let me do so long ago. Probably around that time in Dallas, when he gave me his blood, he was making a decision not to give me a chance to get away. I am just no match for a thousand years of persistence and opportunism, but that didn't mean that I had to go into this like a lamb to the slaughter. No matter how persistent he was, no matter that I didn't think he would give me up, even if I wanted to leave, that didn't mean that Eric got to make the decision alone. The decision was mine over who I wanted to be with, and the price I wanted to pay for that relationship, because _I_ would be the one to pay up.

Eric had made his decision, and that was really nice for him. But he came from that world, that world filled with pain and violence already, just now he served me up as his own personal weakness. A weakness that Charles Twining knew about and a weakness that Victor knew about. He decided that the pain was worth it. For all the difficulty, pain and problems, he'd thrown his lot in. If my safety had meant more than his wants and desires, he would have given me up. For all the pleasure he'd brought me, he'd also brought me an equal amount of pain, just by involving me in his world. His love wasn't selfless, and mine couldn't be either.

I needed to seriously consider the price of being with Eric. It wasn't all being alone together in bed, or laughing and having fun together. We had never had that before with each other - to be alone with none of the concerns of the vampire world weighing down on us. It had _always_ meant a little bit of danger and adventure. That was okay, because I used to be brave. Now I can be more wary - more concerned about my own self than with someone else's needs. More like the vampires who surrounded me, being jealous of their own lives.

Being with Eric alone together was nice, but we weren't alone. Being with him didn't mean that everything would be rosy, and that Eric would rather die than see me hurt. Clearly, that hadn't happened, and wasn't possible. He'd talked too often about surviving to me for it not to be his biggest priority. Eric clearly wasn't the martyr type, and what use would that be? If he had died rather than see me go through that, he would still be dead, and the pain would be of a different kind.

The price I paid for being loved by him was huge, and I wasn't going to fool myself to believe that it wasn't. No matter what - I had to discover if I could take the fact that there would be pain, it might be real, it might be mine and it might be some other vampire's choice. My survival depended on it.


End file.
